The World According to Me: Mar. 10
Laying bricks, life lessons from the South, movie reviews and more!
The following is not a typical athlete's journal entry. You will not read about how many points were scored, who won, or who was difficult to guard. Instead, you will get a fresh look into the bizarre happenings that make up The World According To Me. I'll be posting new entries regularly, so stay tuned ...
March 10, 2002
I am Shaquille O'Neal. I am Shaquille O'Neal.
Well, that's what my free throw percentage (51%) is telling me these days. I finally got back on track last game when I went 5-for-5, but the chimney I'm laying with my charity stripe bricks still resembles the tower of Babel. That's OK, I've found a new groove and I plan on staying in it.
However, since I always promise a "fresh look into the bizarre happenings that make up The World According To Me," that's it for the on-court update. Suffice to say that I'm really enjoying my time hooping with my teammates. But it's the time off the court that keeps me laughing.
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Now, while I think of myself as only 28 years old, I am the Gran Ma Ma of this squad. As a result, I accept the responsibility of imparting my veteran wisdom to the young minds that surround me.
Here are some of the life lessons I learned on this trip to the deep South:
1.) There are people in this world who steal shoelaces.
When one of my teammates (Kristen McCrory) opened her bag in Birmingham, she was greeted by one Nike shoe with laces and one without. Somewhere on the flight from Hartford, the lace not only found it's way out of her shoe, but out of her duffel bag as well! (After smelling Kristen's shoes, I applaud the lace god that set the captive free.) However, the shoelace mystery wasn't nearly as interesting as Kristen's resourceful solution. She did not have time to get new laces so she used the next best thing to keep her kicks tied ... dental floss. It worked for the entire trip. Yup, Johnson & Johnson mint flavored dental floss isn't just for chud-removal anymore.
2.) The Waffle House is deserving of 5 stars in the Zagat guide. Like all fine dining establishments worldwide, the Waffle House's menu doubles as a place mat. Laminated photos of delicacies promising to whet the appetite are interspersed with "fun facts" about the food that is offered. Here's a sampling of facts to make fun of ...
W.H. is the "World's leading server of cheese 'n eggs, raisin toast, grits and butter."
W.H. is the "World's leading server of pork chops."
W.H. has found at least 22,020,096 ways to prepare waffles.
If you could stack all of the sausage patties that they serve in ONE DAY, it would reach the top of the Empire State Building.
Of course, if you put a sausage patty at the top of that same Empire State Building, no person who regularly feeds at the Waffle House trough could possibly walk to the top (in ONE DAY) to eat it.
After breakfast, our entire team was seen flossing with Kristen's shoe.
Conversation of the Week
(courtesy of Marcus Mullet, who was taking orders at a Chik Fil-A outside Birmingham)
Mr. Mullet: "Do you ladies play basketball?"
You ladies: "Why yes, Marcus, we do."
Mr. Mullet: "Yeah, I noticed you were tall ... but I didn't know why."
Idea of the Week
While David Stern was never a member of the Singing Senators, I think he should take a cue from Attorney General John Ashcroft and sing his "State of the NBA" address given each year at the All-Star Game. I'm guessing the Commissioner is a tenor.
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On Sunday's 60 Minutes, Andy Rooney may weigh in on the news vs. entertainment debate. He says a poll he conducted revealed that Nightline and 60 Minutes viewers are 94% smarter than those who watch late-night comedy. He says his poll also found that most who watch late-night comedy "don't have to get up in the morning because they don't have jobs..."
In a similar poll, I found that World According To Me readers are the smartest people in the universe. I also found that those who read my column don't get up in the morning with "that empty feeling."
Movie Review
We Were Soldiers: Mel Gibson was terrific in this movie. I cried like Chad Lowe on Oscar night and had to cover my eyes during many graphic war scenes. However, it is a must-see.
In the Bedroom: I kept waiting for something to happen in this movie. The acting was terrific and stirred emotions, but the movie was too slow-paced for me. However, my mother counts it as one of the best films she's ever seen.
A Beautiful Mind: I thought I was going to hate this movie but I actually enjoyed it. I'm not one to drool over Russell Crowe, but he did do a nice job in this flick. However, why did wardrobe put him in some of those ridiculous sweaters?
40 Days and 40 Nights: I think this movie was shot in real time. I felt like I spent 40 days and nights picking popcorn out of that spot between my gum and rear molar waiting for this thing to end. It was absolutely terrible. I wouldn't even recommend that anyone see it on video. I get angry just thinking about this stupid piece o' crap.
Shout Outs to:
Stef: How high do your horses get?
Abel: Thanks for taking care of us at Casa Grande.
LT and Big Rig: We miss ya.
Lil' Sis: Thanks for coming to the game.
Andy: My "biggest fan."
All the folks at the Karaoke bar in Alabama: I guarantee you'll never see a 6-foot-7 chick doing "Rapper's Delite" again.
Beech: Good luck.
TT: This is going to be fun.
Onegin readers: Thanks for giving me the tee hee hee's.
Beech: Good luck with your sun.