The World According to Me

Life in Comet-land, hair don'ts, nasty little critters and more!

May 21, 2002

The following is not a typical athlete's journal entry. You will not read about how many points were scored, who won, or who was difficult to guard. Instead, you will get a fresh look into the bizarre happenings that make up The World According To Me. I'll be posting new entries regularly, so stay tuned ...

I guess the priest in Bonita Springs, Florida, said it all last month when he asked me after Mass, "How did you get so tall? Do you come from Texas?"

blue rule  
My Liberty teammates have a permanent place in my heart and the fans made Madison Square Garden one of the most exciting places to play the past five years. blue rule

While I don't claim to come from Texas, I sure enjoy being tall in Comet-land. I've been a Comet since my trade on April 3. I am ready for the long, hot summer and am extremely excited about the way the team looks early on.

Even though I no longer wear the black and sea-foam green uniform of the Liberty, I will cherish the wonderful memories I have of playing in New York. My Liberty teammates have a permanent place in my heart and the fans made Madison Square Garden one of the most exciting places to play the past five years. Thank you (especially my "Lil Sis" Natalia Orta)!

I've moved from Fifth Avenue designer stores and the "city that never sleeps" to the land of cowboy boots and state pride. I travel around town in my team-provided PT Cruiser instead of straphanging on subways and buses. I catch baseball games at Astros (formerly Enron) Field instead of Yankee and Shea Stadium. But no matter where I am, people are people ... and they make me laugh. So sit back, adjust your 10-gallon hat, check out the selling price of crude oil, and enjoy the first installment of The World According To Me ... Texas style.


Are You Serious???
(This segment is a tribute to Tina Thompson, who always uses this phrase.)

I totally understand the heightened security measures being employed at U.S. airports. However, sometimes the security personnel need to use a bit of common sense. I was pulled aside for a random security check and stood with outstretched arms so I could be "wanded." The wonder-wand detected nothing, but I wasn't released until I removed my shoes for inspection. While I understand that sneakers and chunk-soled shoes could have dangerous material hidden inside, I don't think my shoes warranted a search. Why? Because they were FLIP-FLOPS!!

JC Penny celebrated its 100th anniversary by having a nationwide sale. One of the hotter publicized items was a red muscle shirt with bright yellow letters spelling "Dump Him" ironed on the front. The great deal offered 2 shirts for $16. Now, while I believe every fashion-conscious woman needs one of these in her closet, owning two seems a bit lavish.

The "Sexiest Geek Alive" contest took place in Austin, Texas. One of the contestants gave a PowerPoint slide presentation on speaking Russian while another played jazz piano while lying down on a bench and reaching backward over the keyboard. I'm not sure what the winner went home with, but I don't think it was a date.

Hair Do's ... I mean Don'ts
The mullet (short-on-top, long-in-the-back) haircut is coming back in style for men. Keneth Tepper of the Stephen Knoll Salon in midtown Manhattan calls the new 'do the "contemporary" or "millennium" mullet. While some would say that "business in the front, party in the back" never went out of style, they are the same people competing in the contest in Austin, Texas.

The lawyers for Gerhard Schroder (the Chancellor of Germany) have filed affidavits avowing that the Chancellor does not dye his hair. The lawyers have demanded retractions from any news organizations that report otherwise. His stylist, Udo Walz, claims, "I am absolutely sure the chancellor does not dye his hair." What do you think Udo has to say about the coaches (and players) in the WNBA?

Bathroom Humor
China became a member of the WTO last November. Not the World Trade Organization, but the World Toilet Organization. In keeping with China's agreement with the toilet organization, Beijing authorities have been spending millions of dollars upgrading public restrooms (usually porcelain squatters). To reward China's efforts, the W.T.O. has agreed to hold the World Toilet Congress in Beijing in 2004. Shoot, New York should forget its bid to host the 2012 Olympic games -- it's time we brought the Toilet Congress to the Big Apple.

London's Science Museum is delving into all sorts of nastiness with Grossology, an exploration of gas, vomit and other unmentionables. Exhibits include Burp Man, Tour du Nose and Yu Stink, which enable visitors to match odors with body parts. No word whether Scratch-N-Sniff stickers will be sold in the museum gift shop.


Rookie Move
(courtesy of Cori Enghusen, our 4th round pick from Stanford)
"Big Red" went into a crowded Manhattan McDonald's for a meal. I saw her trying to get the cashier's attention to ask if she could pay for her $5 takeout ... with a credit card. To save her from an angry jeremiad from impatient and hungry customers in line behind her, I bought the rook her lunch.

Welcome to Houston


Becky Hammon and Sue Wicks took an early cab to their preseason game vs. the Comets at the Compaq Center (so they could get some extra shooting in). They were dressed in their uniforms and told the driver to take them to the arena. When the car pulled up to an unfamiliar entrance, Sue and Becky realized that the driver was a little confused as to what sport they played ... they were at Astros Field. Gotta love the girls of summer!

Welcome to New York City
After our game vs. the Liberty at MSG, I was greeted by a nasty little critter. I was about to enter the shower in the locker room when my teammates pointed out a huge cockroach chillin' in the corner. The next visiting team will be welcomed by a dead nasty little critter (sorry P.E.T.A.).


Coach Chancellor's Quote of the Week
While going over our game plan against Detroit, Coach Chancellor said their offense was, "Preditated ... or whatever that word is ... on getting the ball to the wing."

Movie Review
Spider Man: Thumbs up. Even though some of the action got a little redundant, I liked this movie. I saw it with Coquese and she gave it two little thumbs up (her hands are small).

About A Boy: I really enjoyed this Hugh Grant movie. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of a mom would let her son go to school with the haircut and clothes the boy (Marcus) sports.

Changing Lanes: I think this movie should be saved for rental. Samuel L. Jackson is terrific, but Ben Affleck is playing the same type of character yet again.

Book Review
Human Stain by Philip Roth (available in paperback): This book is terrifically written. Some of the pages infuriated me, but the writing is top notch. I also dog-eared a few pages so I could go back and look up the definition of a word (like "festschrift").

Empire Falls by Richard Russo: I promise that I started reading this book before it became USA Today's book club choice. It is entertaining with a disturbing ending.

To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee: I finally read this classic novel for the first time during training camp. I couldn't let the entire city of Chicago read it without me.

The Rotter's Club by Jonathan Coe: Recommended to me by a lover of all things British. An interesting tale of lads living in Birmingham, England, in the 1970's. Good stuff.

Shout Outs to:
The boy who asked for my autograph at the Hartford airport, and then offered me some Pop Rocks.
John at Gold's Gym in Bonita Springs
Bone-eating companions at Blackie's steakhouse
The girls with "welcome back" signs at MSG
Divas in the Comets locker room
"Adorable" columnists (photo included)
Newlyweds (as of May 25)
Sara in her Canadian igloo. Hope you're feeling better.