Aug. 14, 2001

The following is not a typical athlete's journal entry. You will not read about how many points were scored, who won, or who was difficult to guard. Instead, you will get a fresh look into the bizarre happenings that make up The World According To Me. I'll be posting new entries regularly, so stay tuned ...

I can't believe the WNBA regular season is drawing to a close. It seems like we just boarded the magic La Bamba bus we call the 2001 Liberty season. We know we are playing Miami in the first round of the playoffs ... now it's just a matter of geography and who gets the home-court advantage. However, before we surf to Miami, we must revisit the scenes in Utah, Portland and the beautiful Big Apple.

Welcome to the Land of Port

Hammon

Other than our loss to the Fire, the trip to Portland was enjoyable. I must say that the Oregon Sports Tourism Board went out of its way to make Becky Hammon feel welcome. The team transport for our two-day stay was a Pacific Northwest tour bus with a picture of Mount Rushmore sketched on the side. I can't imagine why we would have the Gutzon Burglum spectacle on our bus in Portland EXCEPT to welcome Becky, the South Dakota native. (Note to the World According To Me fact checker: the Oregon Sports Tourism Board exists solely in my warped mind.)

This stone-faced bus had a stone-faced driver who told us that we had to watch an "insurance-ordered bus safety video" before we could leave the airport. Among other gems, the video informed us that "step height and curb height can vary" so we should "move slowly and carefully" when entering or exiting the bus. I must admit that prior to paying rapt attention to the video, I was one of those bus neophytes who thought that all curb and step heights were uniform. I now know better. Thanks, Geico.

After the safety screening, we set out for Nike in Beaverton, OR. Each player was given a $250 store credit to purchase swoosh galore. While my teammates scampered around searching for hoop shoes and Dri-Fit clothing, I made sure to get the most bang for my buck ... I spent my allotment on 100 wave caps. After all, who doesn't need a wave cap? (Hopefully all my relatives need them ... Christmas is fast approaching).

Coach Richie

I think Coach Richie made the biggest dent on the inventory -- buying the entire stock of fluorescent Nike ties with matching kerchiefs. (Don't you just love saying the word "kerchief?" Kerchief, kerchief, kerchief.)

Oh the places you'll go...
Next to our hotel was the store called "Clogs-N-More." Seriously, after finding the perfect pair of clogs, what more could you possibly need?

In the window of a sporting goods store was a poster for Rawlings that read, "Play catch with your kid." This reminded me of the people in NYC who are hired to play catch with other people's children. Yeah, we not only have people who employ professional dog-walkers ... but hire folks to throw the ball with little Johnny/Joannie. (Does she still love Chachie?)

Oh the people you'll meet...

Daley

Grace Daley made some new friends in Portland. She encountered some folks in their early 20s who were asking for money. Instead of giving them spare change, Grace took them to Carl's Jr. for something to eat. She dined with them and engaged them in conversation. (Can you "dine" at Carl's Jr.?) Grace's generosity left me pondering ... 1.) Is there a Carl Sr.? and 2.) Would that be a business expense or a charity write-off on her 2001 taxes? (Note from author ... I do have a heart.)

Grace later explained that the abundance of young people begging for money in downtown Portland was described as a "lifestyle choice" by one of the TV news magazine shows. This prompted Sue Wicks to ask, "What ... is it some kind of urban camping or something?"

Welcome to the Salt Lake
Salt Lake City is one of the places I really enjoy visiting when we are on the road. I thought it quite fitting when I strolled (strutted, really) into the airport Starbucks and Bob Marley's "One Love" was serenading me from the ceiling speaker ... after all, it's no secret that reggae was born in Utah.

Under Investigation
The team was greeted at our hotel by a man wearing a blue baseball hat with mesh backing and "FBI" ironed on the exceptionally stiff lid. He was helping a shy young boy secure autographs. I was quite confident that he must have been a real federal agent and the boy was undoubtedly in the witness protection program. I even bet an airball on it. (Anyone at the Utah game knows who won the bet.)

Dog Days of Summer

Now, I'm not one to call another team's promotion absurd ... but this promotion was ABSURD. I was just waiting for the cacophony of barks to arise as a result of a shot clock violation or a coach-induced technical.

The game against the Utah Starzz produced more than air balls. The promotion for our Thursday night game was called, "Dog Days at the Delta Center." Folks who brought their dogs got in for a reduced $10 admission fee and were seated in a special reserved section. According to the promotion, "dog days will also include several other fun activities and promotions such as costume contests for dogs and prize drawings, while halftime will showcase dogs in action."

Now, I'm not one to call another team's promotion absurd ... but this promotion was ABSURD. I was just waiting for the cacophony of barks to arise as a result of a shot clock violation or a coach-induced technical. In addition, the promotion was sponsored by No More Homeless Pets in Utah. I'm waiting for the game where they let one of the kids dining with Grace at Carl's Jr. into the Delta Center for $10. Anyhoo ...

The excitement in Utah barely afforded me time for one of life's simple pleasures ... reading the room service menu. I am one of the few remaining room service connoisseurs who appreciate a menu that includes only the necessities. For example, the menu in Salt Lake offers the "Olympic Basket" billed as the "perfect souvenir -- including an Olympic scarf, hat, mug, MASCOT, flag and other Utah goodies." All of this for the bargain basement price of $75. Hmmm, I wonder how the mascot feels about this? (Maddie, the Liberty mascot, declined our request for an interview.)

Just Wondering

Whitmore

What's that smell? Tamika Whitmore has half our team soaking/bathing in water with foot soap and alcohol. Her mother or grandmother told her that soaking in that stuff brings the swelling out (of ankles, knees, etc.).
How there could possibly be a 276-page book on nothing but abs? Fortunately, the book has an index.
What laryngitis looks like? According to the New York Post, Madonna was seen going for a stroll with her son and "appeared fully recovered from the bout with laryngitis that forced her to cancel a sold-out performance..."
If I was the only one who saw the herd of dancing buffalo at Park Avenue Country Club after our game against Cleveland on August 4?
If it's a compliment to be called "thorough"?

Time for a Shout Out to:
A man who only dates women willing to lick their plate clean
Corpuscular/Crepuscular Boondogglers
Jess: Virgil misses you
Sully: glad you found me a new full-time job
Dancing daddies: best Buffalo in town
Chaperoning moms
J Dub: didn't know you were right-handed
Junk mail readers
Les Paul patrons with big shiny teeth
Ex-boyfriends of lactose-intolerant cottage cheese eaters
Kim: J Dawg done all right for himself!!
Mags: appreciate the inspiration
Parrot-eagles
"Worse than paparazzi" Sky bar patrons
All my quiet friends at PACC
Those who accurately represent what I say
Tavern on the Green frequenters ... "I hate us"!!!